Note to Drivers

~ When driving, it is recommended that you stay 3 or more car lengths behind the car in front of you, however, this rule DOES NOT apply in the drive-thru. You may pull up as close as you want to allow other patrons waiting in their cars to not get stuck out in the street because you are a dumbass.

~ Holding your lit cigarette out the window because you don’t want the smoke in your car is very, very annoying to those of us in the car behind or next to you who don’t share your love of lung disease. It’s even more annoying when our windows are closed and your stupid cigarette smoke is coming in through the A/C. Quit doing this.

~ Green means go. Yellow means the light is going to change and you’d better haul ass if you are about to cross the line or to stop if it is safe to do so without throwing your passengers on the floor. Red means stop. Red does not mean the third car after the car that should have stopped ran it can still go. I’m sick of you people! Stop running the damned lights!

~ The speed limit on 162nd in Vancouver, Washington is 40. I know that it is too slow for that area. This is not my fault. Please do not tailgate me just because I don’t want a ticket. Oh, and there are cops on that street ALL THE TIME so I hope you get caught!

~ Those things on the side of the front doors are mirrors. They are generally used for checking to see if way is clear to change lanes or if there is someone behind you. Please use them. If you see my big ole green SUV in those mirrors, please do not move into my space. I really can’t afford a new car. And I will squash you.

~ I don’t care if you have a baby on board.

~ I drive a big ole Ford Expedition. Cloaking devices, invisiblity cloaks or any other invisibility item were not available as an option when I bought the car. I have not been able to find these items aftermarket either. Therefore, I KNOW you can see me.

~ While driving at 65 MPH on the freeway, the passenger in the car in the fast lane that opens his window to spit had better think about where that spit is going to end up. I do NOT appreciate it landing on my newly washed car in the middle lane. If I see you do this again, I WILL find a way to make you pay.

~ I hate rap music. I DO NOT want to hear your music. I don't want to feel your bass. I don't even want to know that you are listening to music. I especially do not want to hear/feel your music when I am at home in bed trying to fall asleep. TURN IT THE BLEEP DOWN! If you are blasting 80s rock music, that's a little better, but please, turn it down!

~ Please don't text, talk on the phone, read, do your makeup, shave, breastfeed your kid, do the nasty, pluck your eyebrows, read the paper, watch movies, practice judo or do anything else distracting while driving. The rest of us want to get home in one piece, thank you.

~ And finally, to all you people that speed up the right lane on I-84 when the middle lane to go to I-205 is crowded and then try to zip in front of me after you avoided the 25 minute wait: YOU SUCK! I will not let you in. There is a good chance my car is bigger than yours, so I win.