When I Am Queen of the Universe

When I am Queen of the Universe the following things will be changed…

1. All bathroom stalls will be large enough for a tall and/or Rubenesque woman to walk in and close the door without having to stand on the toilet seat to do so. And they will stay locked once locked, too. None of this sneaky opening while you are in the middle of a pee and have to cut off mid-stream, stand up, shuffle to the door with your pants around your ankles, getting your hems all wet and/or dirty, locking the door, returning to the toilet only to find that your toilet seat cover has sunk and you have to start all over again, and now you’ve wet yourself.

2. All toilet paper dispensers will be required to easily dispense the paper…no stingy dispensing of TP one measly sheet at time. And no shredding allowed. And one-ply TP will be BANNED.

3.There will be a better answer to bras. a) they have a dumb name. b) They never fit right. c) They are expensive and a pain.

4. There will be a better answer to underwear that doesn’t a) ride up, b) roll down, c) tear, and d) in general be a pain in the ass (pun intended).

5. There will be a better answer to panty hose.

6. Men will suffer the pain of child birth right along with the woman. It takes two to make the baby, it should take two to bring it into this world, why should the woman have to bear all the pain alone? Make those men know what real pain feels like. Bet it would cut down on teen pregnancy.

7. Menstruation will be on an individual’s time-table, not Mother Nature’s. It may even be an elective.

8. Fat pounds will be a gift or a curse to be passed out by the Queen’s chosen ones. If you give me good customer service, I may just take away 5 pounds. Tell me my dogs are cute and you get 3 pounds off your total weight (or on if you prefer). Cut me off in traffic…HA! 10 pounds to you, lady!

9. The Queen’s chosen ones get remote controls for life. You can mute the screaming kids, fast forward through boring meetings, rewind to meeting that tall, dark, and handsome man again and again. You can even listen to your life in Spanish if you want!
10. All furniture, appliances, counters, tubs, showers, toilets, sinks, shower curtains, mirrors, and floors shall be dirt/grime/slime/dust-proof. No matter how often you use them, nothing sticks. No scrubbing required. They remain squeaky-clean after each use!

11. Pets will be stain and odor free.

12. All cars will have convenient storage areas for items needed while driving.

13. The Queen of the Universe and her chosen few will have the ability to stop time. This will allow for extra beauty sleep, letterboxing, fun, and relaxation. The ability to stop time is NEVER to be used to catch up on mundane housework or work.

14. Dessert will be better for you than fruits and vegetables.

15. The pants-so-baggy-I-can-see-your-butt-crack look will go away forever. And never return. Never EVER return.